Crazy Christmas Letters!
by UltimateWarriorFan4Ever
Summary: Ever imagined how the Total Drama Characters would write their Christmas letters to Santa in such very strange and very odd explanations? Well, you're about to find out! Better yet, you'll get to choose who goes next in every chapter that's posted! Merry Christmas everyone! Next up: Amy!
1. Ch 1: Lindsay

**"Crazy Christmas Letters!"**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with the Total Drama series or any of its characters. Total Drama and it's characters are owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, what would happen if our favorite characters sent very odd letters to Santa Claus? Well, you get this awesome collection. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 1: Lindsay**

_Dear Sally (at least I think that's what your name is),_

_My name is Linda and I'm somewhere around 12. I think thats what 'David' told me as I was writing this. Anyway, I know I'm a good girl who always does the right thing in order to get presents, but sometimes I care about everyone that needs much more giving. I care about the puppies that are hurting right now, especially when 'Devin' tries to strap one to a rocket. He wanted to see if a dog would fly, which is just inhumane! Luckily, Courtney managed to stop him just in time. I think she told him that if he ever did something heartless and stupid such as strap a chihuahua to a rocket, she would shove that firework in his butt and send him flying. I think she really meant it too._

_So just in case, can you send 'Davis' some medical tape? I don't want to see any blood that's coming from his butt. Which is weird because mostly, girls like me bleed from the butt. I guess it's all because I forgot to use my tampons. BTW, can you also give my sister Paula some tampons as well? Apparently, 'Daniel' stole them and put them in 'Chad's Subway Sandwich. Our host got diarrhea for a week and we had to hold off on the TV tapings for quite some time. For me, I don't care what I want. Only the people that I love is the real gift. _

_Sincerely,_

_Laura (I think that's my name. I'll need to ask my mom and dad.)_

_P.S.: Are you Tyler? _

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**Just to let you know, 'David', 'Devin', 'Davis', and 'Daniel' is actually Duncan and 'Chad' is actually Chris. And to let you know, 'Linda' and 'Laura' is actually Lindsay, who was writing this letter.**

**Anyway, you get to choose who goes next! But you'll have three choices: Alejandro, Noah or Izzy?**

**Review or PM me for your choices. And don't forget some feedback as well! :D**


	2. Ch 2: Izzy

**"Crazy Christmas Letters!"**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with the Total Drama series or any of its characters. Total Drama and it's characters are owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, what would happen if our favorite characters sent very odd letters to Santa Claus? Well, you get this awesome collection. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 2: Izzy**

_Dear fat guy in a big red outfit,_

_The name's Izzy, aka E-Scope, Explosivo and sometimes in the alien language, Poogawooga Powderbutt. Anyway, I came to tell you what I want for Christmas. It's pretty much a long list, so I'll be quick and fast as I can._

_I'd like gun powder, more tons of gun powder, more more tons of gun powder, a bazooka, an AK-47, a magnum, a tommy gun (not one of those toy ones), jalapenos (just because I like them), a cross-bow, a bigger crossbow, tons of dynamite, more tons of dynamite, a warhead, a nuclear bomb, and sugary gummy worms. It's not like I'm using these things to take over the world and blow tons of shit up. I use these things for... inspection! Yeah, that's it! Inspection is what I'm doing. Gotta make sure these things are safe on the battle field. Anyway, make sure you get me these things! Or else I will find out wherever you live and draw on your face as an insult to injury._

_Sincerely,_

_Izzy, aka E-Scope, Explosivo, and Poogawooga Powderbutt._

_P.S.: I could be lying. I'm mostly using these things to threaten my ex-boyfriend Justin. He totally deserves it. And I deserve gummy worms because they're chewy and they wiggle a lot. Still, bring me those explosives! I mean it! I totally mean it! NOW! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!_

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**Wow, looks like Izzy's getting a little too crazy with firearms. Somebody call the National Guard.**

**Who should be next? Owen, Lightning or Staci?**

**Like I said, review or PM me for who you want. Don't forget the feedback too! :D**


	3. Ch 3: Owen

**"Crazy Christmas Letters!"**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with the Total Drama series or any of its characters. Total Drama and it's characters are owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, what would happen if our favorite characters sent very odd letters to Santa Claus? Well, you get this awesome collection. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Owen  
**

_Dear Santa,_

_My name's Owen! I've been a really happy big boy this year. Hard to believe I'm still really big after last year. I think it must be all the limburger cheese I ate.  
_

_Anyway, I would like 500 hot dogs, 500 hamburgers, 500 bottles of Coke, 500 rounds of toilet paper, 500 rounds of Pepto Bismol, and if you can, 50 Butterball turkeys. I'm not sure if food counts as gifts, though. But then again, everyone gives out fruitcakes for Christmas, so basically, that has to count for something, right? I love things that count to hundreds, which was why I wanted 500 of everything. Oh, can you also bring me 300 on DVD! I love that because you know what I said: I love everything that counts to hundred.  
_

_Oh, and can you send me 500 cans of air spray for Christmas as well? It seems that my farts have fumigated the entire house. I wouldn't let anyone into my house if I were you. It smells like a dead horse's ass mixed with pig poop and a roadkill skunk. So if you want, you can put the gifts outside. _

_Sincerely,_

_Owen_

_P.S.: Can you also send me an air tank for Noah on Christmas as well? I think by the time I wrote this, I accidentally farted near him so bad, he had to be taken to the hospital. Can you also bring him an extra lung just in case one of his lungs shuts down on him? Thanks!  
_

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**Yeah, Owen doesn't seem to hold his gas for so long, huh?  
**

**Who should be next? Duncan, B or Samey?**

**Review or PM me for your suggestions. Until then, Happy Christmas and Merry Holidays! :D**


	4. Ch 4: Samey

**"Crazy Christmas Letters!"**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with the Total Drama series or any of its characters. Total Drama and it's characters are owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, what would happen if our favorite characters sent very odd letters to Santa Claus? Well, you get this awesome collection. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Samey  
**

_Dear Santa,_

_This is Samey here. And I have to say that I love Christmas. I really do. I enjoy the gingerbread houses, the nativity scenes, the stunning Christmas lights, Christmas movies and specials on TV, and yule logs. It has a special place in my heart and I enjoy it so.  
_

_Unfortunately, that's where my sister Amy comes along. Every time at Christmas, she always steals my presents and always blames me for stealing her presents when in all the truth, I didn't. She always steals my cups of hot chocolate and pelts me with snowballs whenever she feels like it. And to make things worse, she always rats on me thinking I've stolen everything from her. Because of that, I didn't get no presents and I wasn't even invited to attend the Christmas Party our neighbors held for us. This makes me sick and it makes me mad!  
_

_I need your help, Santa. If you want, can you please send me scissors for Christmas? I want to cut all my sister's hair off as payback for making my Christmas miserable last year. I could even blame the whole thing on Dad, thinking he was sleepwalking. Amy won't know a thing that'll hit her. Oh, and I also want land mines for Christmas as well, just in case Amy plans to retag my presents, thinking it's for her. Can you please do that for me?  
_

_Sincerely,_

_Samey_

_P.S.: Instead of getting Amy coal for Christmas, can you stuff a pile of dog shit for Christmas, just to teach her a lesson? That would make my Christmas worth it to see someone stick it to my sister. Remember, she's the one with the mole on her cheek. You know, that mole that actually looks like a shit-colored microchip? Yeah, that's the one.  
_

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**I can so see Samey sticking it to her sister for revenge. I hate Amy anyway.  
**

**Who should be next? Noah, Justin or Scott?**

**Review or PM me for your suggestions. WHOO-HAH! :D**


	5. Ch 5: Noah

**"Crazy Christmas Letters!"**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with the Total Drama series or any of its characters. Total Drama and it's characters are owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, what would happen if our favorite characters sent very odd letters to Santa Claus? Well, you get this awesome collection. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 5: Noah  
**

_Dear Santa,_

_I'm Noah, and I'm about either 19 or 20 years old. I want to let you know that I'm not in a joyous mood this season, because I think Christmas is just a waste of my time. Why do we have to celebrate a holiday where some jolly fat guy falls through a chimney hurting himself? It's not even right for someone like him to fall through a dirty dusty place and injure himself in the process. Unless if it's someone like Owen, than it's all right by me._

And why do you ride in a sleigh with those deer in the first place. Having to strap them with nuzzles while they're pulling a piece of metalized junk is just a form of animal abuse. Why couldn't they be set free instead around a forest or something. That's where they belong in the first. And what about those toys that you keep in that hefty bag of yours? I happen to think you're stealing and not giving them away. That's right Santa, I'm calling you out.

I think you're a disgrace to the holiday and I don't think someone like you should exist. Besides, the holiday isn't about you anyway. I think someone around the town told me that Christmas was about somebody else, but I couldn't get the chance to because a pile of snow fell on top of him and I walked away. So truth be told, this holiday ain't for anybody, including me. I think Christmas should be banned all across the world. I don't see how it would be celebrated for apparently no reason.

You wanna spend the rest of your time December 25th? Read books, for pete's sake. Is it any wonder why the rest of America (and Canada) are this retarded? It's because they don't get enough learning in their brains. Instead, they're out pissing their pants, waiting your you to arrive with the stuff that you probably stole from that sack of yours. Yeah, I bet you'd love the smell of old maple syrup coming from their undies while trying to put presents under the tree. I'll be reading up on my Tom Clancy crap while you're at it.

_Sincerely,_

_Noah_

_P.S.: Just in case if you're this Santa Claus that everyone wants you to think, can you give me a hammer for this so-called "Christmas"? I want something to bop Owen in the head with, just in case if he farts anywhere near me from where I'm sitting.  
_

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**Eeyup, that's Noah for you in a nutshell.  
**

**Who should be next? Heather, Scott or Staci?**

**Review or PM me for your suggestions. Until then, Merry Christmas! :D**


	6. Ch 6: Staci

**"Crazy Christmas Letters!"**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with the Total Drama series or any of its characters. Total Drama and it's characters are owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, what would happen if our favorite characters sent very odd letters to Santa Claus? Well, you get this awesome collection. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 6: Staci  
**

_Dear Santa,_

This is Staci, and I want to let you know that I enjoy celebrating Christmas as a kid. I bet you didn't know that my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Nicholas invented Christmas. Back then, we didn't have presents to give to people nor did we sing Christmas carols. In fact, we did absolutely nothing! How fun was that back then?

But enough about my story. Can you just give me an awesome pen and pencil set? It's nice to have something to store my pens and pencils. I bet you didn't know that my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandmother Cecelia invented the pen and pencil set. Back then, we just leave them in a pile. Sometimes, it's hard to tell what kind of pen and pencil you're searching for. Last time, I needed to search for a red pen, and it took me around 4 days to find it. I had to miss breakfast, lunch and dinner in order to find it. When I found the red pen I was searching for, I past out due to starvation from hunger.

But luckily, I'm eating again. And I'm happy to find out I'm writing this letter with the red pen I was searching for. Anyway, I gotta get going right now. But before I go, you want me to tell you the true meaning of how Christmas got started? Well, it all started with one of the greatest human beings to be on planet Earth. Can't you believe he's also one of my long lost relatives? It's actually my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather Jesu-

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**Yeah, I figured I'd stop there since I imagined that Staci should've run out of ink at the time she was writing this.  
**

**All right, who should be up next? Scott, Amy or Lightning?**

**Review or PM me for suggestions! :D**


	7. Ch 7: Amy

**"Crazy Christmas Letters!"**

**Rated T**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with the Total Drama series or any of its characters. Total Drama and it's characters are owned by FreshTV, Jennifer Pertsch and Tom McGillis. Anyway, what would happen if our favorite characters sent very odd letters to Santa Claus? Well, you get this awesome collection. Enjoy!**

* * *

**Chapter 7: Amy  
**

_Dear Santa,_

_I'm Amy and I live somewhere in Canada. I don't know which town, so don't bother trying to know. Okay fine, I live in Thunder Bay with my sloth of a sister, so don't forget it or else I'm chopping up your reindeer as steak._

_Anyway, since I have a huge heart for Christmas, I want you to get me all of the presents that you plan to get to Samey. No matter what you say, she's just trying to play victim on me, thinking I stole her stuff last Christmas. Just so you know, I only took them because I needed to make sure if there was no explosives or any type of rust. It's called 'recalling', hello? I'm pretty sure you see this stuff on TV most of the time. I don't care what I want, but as long as the gift is on Samey's name, it's mine._

_Please get here as fast as you can. I'm not kidding. I want you to rush your butt over here so I wouldn't have to wait another 48 hours with my boring family. I promise that if you don't get here fast, I'm gonna destroy your sleigh faster than you can fall down and kill yourself coming down on my chimney. Which by the way, I have to make Samey clean it up right now. So don't be late!_

_With Love,_

_Amy_

_P.S.: Can you bring me a baseball bat as well? I'm trying to get into sports and I want something to hit just for fun. I got no balls and I'm tired of using Samey as batting practice. So give me a baseball bat please. Thanks._

* * *

**Huh, I shudder to think what she's gonna use that bat for.  
**

**Okay, who should be up next chapter? Alejandro, Dave or Gwen?**

**Review or PM me for suggestions! :D**


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